Q. What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?
A. A con-tour map.
Q. Why didn't the map have any meridians?
A. It was a map of a parallel universe.
Q. What is the tidiest element on a map?
A. The neatline.
Q. Why did the cartographer put a band-aid on the map?
A. Because it had a bleeding edge.
Q. What do John Wayne and a map key have in common?
A. Both are legends.
Q. Why was longitude boiling mad?
A. Because it was 360 degrees.
Q. Why was the map gesturing wildly?
A. It was an animated map.
Q. Why are maps like fish?
A. Both have scales.
Q. Where to lines of equal pressure go to relax?
A. In ISO - bars (In Search Of isobars)
Q. Why do senior military officials like small scale maps?
A. Because they have been GENERAL-ized.
Q. What projection is used to map the distribution of chocolate lovers?
A. The Bonne-Bonne (bon bon) projection.
Q. What is smarter, longitude or latitude?
A. Longitude, because it has 360 degrees
Q. What do you call a map showing the heights of leafy-stemmed perennial herbs measured in centimeters?
A. A daisy metric map
Q. Why do paper maps never win at poker?
A. Because they always fold.
Q. What kind of projection do 3 out of 4 ear, nose, and throat specialists prefer?
A. A sinus-oidal map projection.
Q. What do you get when you cross a cowboy with a mapmaker?
A. A cow-tographer.
Q. Why didn’t true north date magnetic north?
A. She didn’t like his bearing.
Q. Why does west longitude need to be cheered up?
A. Because it is always negative.
Q. What do a row of Bacardi bottles and a loxodrome have in common?
A. Both are rum (rhumb) lines.
Q. Why did the equator win the MVP (most valuable parallel) award at the Latitude Super Bowl?
A. Because it was a great circle.
Q. What did the mapmaker send his sweetheart on Valentine’s Day?
A. A dozen compass roses.
Q. Why did the dot go to college?
A. Because it wanted to be a graduated symbol.
Q. Why weren’t there any parallels on the map?
A. Because the cartographer didn’t have any latitude in his map design.
Q. What do you call a USGS quadrangle with green water, blue forests, and all the names spelled backwards?
A. A topo-illogical map.
